I’ve been known to use the “should factor” on more than one occasion. I think it happens to every parent – often without even realizing it. My kiddos are grown and on their own. Yet many times throughout their teens years, I would use the “should factor”…. until my husband so graciously pointed it out to me.
What is the “should factor”, you might ask? You see, I often believed that with my kids, I could fix their life in five minutes. Audacious, I know! So my conversations would often start like this, “You know what you should do…” it would then end in my sage, unsolicited advice that I just knew would fix everything. However, what often happened would be their resolution to do whatever was the opposite of what I had “suggested.” With the roll of their eyes, or a loud sigh, they would resolutely move forward in a different course.
One day my husband said the word “improper” following one of my “should factor” moments. Indignantly, I asked what he meant by that. He kindly pointed out that my “should factor” often implied that I was superior and that I knew better; and the end result was a distance in the relationship and a ceasing of communication. In essence, he was saying my “you know what you should do” comments were improper.
It was an “aha” moment for me and since then, I have tried to be cautious about speaking any words that contain “you know what you should do…”.
How often do we use similar words with those we minister to? People come to us with problems and we believe we can fix their situation in “five minutes” if they would just follow our advice. Sometimes it may be true. Perhaps we can see what needs to be done when they may be blinded to the answer due to the painful and seemingly hopeless situation they find themselves in. Yet, if we just tell them what they should do, they will not own it and often just say what they think they want you to hear and not follow through. Are we really helping them by telling them what they should do, if in the end, it results in them hiding what they’re really considering?
When Jesus conversed with individuals, we most often see that He asked questions. These weren’t just any questions, but were purposeful questions which pulled out the truth. They were questions that helped individuals see deeper, more pointedly and often led them to see the truthful answer. It led to an ownership in their decisions to change their ways and move forward in sanctification.
Perhaps it would be helpful if we took a pause before we spoke. Do we really know the story of the individual we are wanting to help? Sometimes we think it should be a quick fix but the story and the root of the problem runs deeper. Our quick assessment and resolution could preclude the deep work the Lord wants to do in their lives.
Are we listening well? Do we really understand the depth of their situation and their history that has played into where they are right now? Are we taking time to ask the right questions – not in an interrogative way, but with a heart that truly wants to know and understand? And, are we truly listening? Are our questions leading them to God’s truth or our agenda?
In our conversations, we will see greater impact if we operate like Christ – asking great, thoughtful questions that lead others to the truth that will set them free.
